Whatever Tomorrow Brings...I'll Be There

Just sat down at the piano and remembered my lost song about Jamie. Then i burst into tears. I am thinking the tears are for a few reasons...a)relief....relief that perhaps all those songs that i thought i lost in Gregory's car are, thank god, somewhere stored in my memory...b)playing music that speaks truth is possibly one of the most immediate ways i have of connecting with Spirit, Universe, Essence, God, whatever that greater force is called...and when i feel awash with that presence i am overwhelmed...c)i am about to move to the the province that took Jamie's life and still holds the life of the only surviving Burnette brother. I know that i will be pulled to find Casey, to find closure, to finally and truly accept that both Jamie and Brady are gone. That, too, is overwhelming. Plus, i am sorta saying goodbye to my mom, again, for the millionth time. And i worry about her. And, yes, i worry about me, too.

Packing tonight, i was forced to pack up all Aidan's things. The only object that stopped me and left me staring were the roller skates. I looked at those skates and could smell their brand new, fresh-from-the-box smell. I miss him. I miss him more than he knows. I don't miss the relationship, i miss him. If that makes any sense. I wish sometimes i could press pause on the whole (apparantly necessary) mess of breaking up and we could just put our skates on and hold hands and skate around in a summer's dark. Not needing anything from each other, not blaming anyone, not trying to change the situation...just skating.

But change is the only constant and tomorrow i arrive.

I also sat two rows behind Dean's family at the Roughrider game this afternoon. It comforted me. It feels like my past and my future surround me like a warm, fleece,blanket...and in the middle is this little blonde hurricane trying to stay in the Now.

With open arms and open eyes...

Leaping and Trusting the Net

There is something to be said for cultivating a belief that says ... doing what is true for me means hurting another. Why does this seem (and i choose the word 'seem' consciously) to be true? Will i ever be able to embrace without guilt another belief that says...i love you AND i am not responsible for your reaction? What would this world be like if choosing what was best for you only created happiness for those who loved you? It is proving quite challanging to dispute my ego voice that lectures me, shaking its head and tsk, tsk-ing. "You are a self-centered little girl, Miss Konkin. It is always about you. You are cold and callous and you will reap your just reward." Interesting that i now steep myself in a philosophy that is trying to remind the world that IT IS actually and only about you. It only can ever be about you, because without loving yourself and wanting the best for yourself, you will fail in doing so for others. So, perhaps i have been right all along...now i just need to keep it up -- minus the guilt. Ah, the guilt.

Two more nights in my brass bed before i sleep in a brand new bed and step into a brand new chapter. I am in a place of FEAR...Feeling Excited And Ready, that is.

Hmmmmmm...i am listening to Shawn Colvin sing I Don't Know Why...and i am connected. "...but if there were no music, i don't know how i'd get through...' AMEN.

Love is pink pajama pants. Happiness is a book you can't put down. Pride is watching the Flames win tongiht 3-0. Truth is that i am going to know bliss beyond anything i have ever imagined. Gratitude is a choice.

Well, then, thank you. 'Tis good, and very good.

Going North Up Sherbourne is born...just as i move to Vancouver

Wellllll...i have created it and i will assume they will now come. Of course, i will have to figure out exactly how i set this up to be hosted and put on my 'computer literate' face while i figure out how to use blog.com. But it will figure itself out. That is my mantra these days. And it will. This i am coming to know as Truth.

Why did i title these musings Going North Up Sherbourne? It was fall of 2003 and i was taking my first Science of Mind class at the Centre for Conscious Living in Toronto and i was asking RevB what one can do when one is watching people they love self-destruct. She answered with a question - very RevB - and simply asked me...who are you to say that they are self-destructing? And, even if they are, how can you be so sure that they aren't going through exactly what they need to be going through in right and perfect time? AND why are you so concerned with saving someone else when you most likely have eons of work to do saving yourself? She then, with a giggle, used an image of me running after someone who has declared they want to see Lake Ontario and then promptly started going north up Sherbourne. "BUT THE LAKE IS THAT WAY!", i yell, pointing south. Little do i know that for them the lake is north to Bloor, west 'til Spadina, south (with a little stop at Queen's Quey) and, finally, the shores of the very same lake. It stayed with me, that class. I stopped worrying about my 'lost friends' and started looking at all the ways that i seem to need to go North Up Sherbourne.

I suppose my desire is to create a place to 'blog' so that i can share my findings with you.

I am moving to Vancouer in 3 days...

...but i think i'll keep the title.